ξιs∂αmmε

Happy Birthday Dad.

This is hard. I thought this year would be better - at least I was going to try to make it so.

You had Emely, and I guess that part of me thought you'd make it because of her? For her, maybe. I knew it wasn't going to be for me, and I was mostly okay with that. As okay as I could be, anyway. So I pictured this day a lot differently last fall. Hell, even this Spring.

I'm wearing Helen's sweater - the one I honestly liked. I didn't plan to wear it, it just happened because I didn't feel like wearing the dress I laid out last night. Maybe I'll tell her, just check in and see how she's doing. I know she loved you a lot, even if you couldn't be together the way she wanted. She was one of the only people that gave a shit about you no matter what, I think, in the end.

I did my eyemakeup the same way it was the last time I saw you. I guess it must have looked okay, because you didn't make fun of it. Who's going to make fun of my shoes and hats and makeup now that you're not here?

I'll still make your cupcakes this weekend. And I'll IM Emely today, because I know you would want me to. I feel obligated, stuck and saddled with her, even though I know, logically, that I'm not. I guess this was how you felt about me?

Maybe, maybe not.

I kind of miss you being cranky.

I still miss you. There are a lot of things that I wish you were around to discuss, and to see and to enjoy.

I think that you would have liked lolcats, Grey's Anatomy, and Harry Potter.

I think that you would have liked Dexter, but found it too gory. I also think that you would have liked Weeds, but found it too ...something. But you would have watched it all with me anyway. Probably. I really think you would have loved Lost, even though it would have annoyed you a little.

You would have still put up with me making up your face AS LONG AS I NEVER EVER UPLOADED IT TO THE INTERNETS, and you probably would have reluctantly conceded that my hair looks good black and that red lipstick is okay. Sometimes.

There are serious things that we could have learned about together, mostly gleaned from drama communities, and I think that we both would have made painful and awesome discoveries together. You too would have been scarred by clockspider, and maybe, like me, would never again be able to eat camembert cheese. I can't remember if you liked camembert cheese. You would possibly even have gotten a small tattoo by now, and we would have been able to know each other as people - as adults, even though I would not be the same as I am today, I think you would like me. I would have turned out to be a better person even though I would have bought you ridiculous things like this.

We would have gone to the Harry Potter themepark, and I probably would have dragged you to the Castle by now. I'm sure I'd still be going.

Most likely I would never have had to make these entries, but if I did, we would be smiling at them now.

My Dad just died.

I just typebabbled this onto notepad. It probably reads like crap, but that's okay. I'm not trying to tell an epic story, just get it out on my lunchbreak before I forget it in all it's WTFBRAIN glory.

( Part I: )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Collin. There is a lemon cake being made. With lemon curd and homemade lemon zest and homemade candied lemon slices with lemon glaze and lemon buttercream frosting from scratch. It is YELLOW and LEMONY and a pain in the ass to make made of YUM and WIN. zOMG The LEMONZ.

Pictures and possible cookies forthcoming.